Saturday, July 01, 2006

Guys Love What Women Don't

Remember last weeks column when I talked about that annoying little habit women have of wanting to eat food off a mans plate when theyre out with one of us at a restaurant? Well, I had a certain lady write me an email in response, and she told me that she somewhat agreed with me re what I was saying, but, added that it really didnt matter too much as, ...getting upset about us eating food off a mans plate is strictly a guys thing. Its no big deal to us.

A guys thing. Ive heard that terminology since back in high school when I first started dating. What it refers to is the fact that there are just some things that men like that women dont. Those little things that separate the sexes, and make them what they are. And, after thinking for a good twenty seconds, Im gonna be kind enough to list what some of the major guys things are:

1. The Three Stooges - For some unknown reason, guys love the Stooges and women dont. Whats not to love? They exhibited some of the greatest physical comedy ever, and some of their sayings were priceless. Remember some of these routines:

Curly: Whatja say?

Moe: *gives Curly a two-finger eye poke*

Curly: Thats what I thought ya said.


Shemp: (Looking into a mirror) There I yam - and as pretty as a picture.

Moe: Yeah. Of an ape. (Then slaps Shemp hard).

Isnt that great? Ill bet lots of you guys out there are laughing out loud. On the other hand, Ill bet that most of you ladies are saying, I just dont get it, I never thought the Stooges were all that funny. This is a great first example of a guys thing. But theres plenty more.

2. Mountain Dew - Diet Mountain Dew is my favorite soft drink in the world. I love its mellow, citrus based taste, and it has more caffeine in it than any other soft drink. But, what Ive discovered is, try offering one to a woman. For some unknown reason, experience has taught me that eight out of ten women will turn a Mountain Dew down, saying, I just dont like it. Whats not to like? It tastes good, keeps you awake, and it looks the same leaving your body as when it went in. A totally useful product.

3. Burping loudly - Im not going to say anything else here or Ill get in trouble, but just suffice it to say that most men get a big kick out of this, and all women despise it. No one ever said that Mother Nature is always pretty, you know.

4. Hating ties - Any man that has a testosterone count higher than Liberace hates neck ties. Absolutely despises them. They had to be invented by a fervent man-hater - the problem is, women love for you to wear one just as badly as you hate doing so. Id rather spend a Saturday poisoning wasp nests than to wear a neck tie to a formal social function. Unfortunately, the women in our lives can give you pretty convincing reasons to wear one, so, we have to do it. But it still stinks like a dead frog in the hot sun, though.

5. Not wanting to use strange toilets - For some reason, women can go into a restroom in a restaurant, gas station, or other public facility and use it without hesitation. Conversely, most men hate using a strange toilet. For us, images of mutant bacteria that could eat whole cows alive live on those toilet seats. Ive even resisted going to the bathroom instead of being forced to use a strange one. Honestly, I think most of you ladies out there need to rethink this one.

And there you have it. Some of the most well known guys things there are. Probably, if Im guessing right, Id say that some of you ladies out there might want equal time, maybe a future column about gals things. The only thing is, Im not biologically qualified to write it. My suggestion would be to contact my good friend, columnist Amy Eason ( Tell her I wrote a column about guys things, and that you think a response is in order. Thatll get her back up enough that Ill guarantee you shell produce a wonderful, women friendly masterpiece for all you ladies...