Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Men: Never Compliment a Woman You Want to Date

Hello Lucia,

I regularly compliment women and tell them that I am interested in them. Is this the kiss of death? I hear being aloof and stand-offish is more intriguing and works better in trying to get a woman's attention, especially in the beginning. Richard.

Hi Richard,

Yes, complimenting women (especially if theyre attractive) when you first meet them is verboten. Attractive women are used to getting compliments in fact, they expect them. If you tell a woman youve just met that shes beautiful, the dialogue cloud above her head is thinking, Tell me something I dont know. She already knows shes hot. How do you think she got that way? Do you think she just rolled out of bed like that? Since most guys behave that way, youll fall into the category of average and wont stand out from everyone else.

Im going to go out on a limb here and assume that youre about a 7 or less. Why do I think that? Because guys that rate an 8, 9 or 10 rarely compliment women. Its like meeting an equal. You both know youre hot, so it doesnt need to be said. It would be like two geniuses meeting. Do you really think one is going to say to the other: Youre so smart! I dont think so. If youre in the same league, some things are understood. By referring to her beauty, youre sending an unconscious message that youve put her up on a pedestal, are intimidated by her and she would be doing you a favor by dating you. Well, why should she? She has enough guys in her league available to her. Why should she date YOU?

The solution? Never comment on a womans looks when you first meet her or on the first few dates. If you want to give a compliment, give it for something she doesnt normally get noticed for. This could be about how smart she is (this works especially well with attractive women since they rarely get compliments for their brains) or how good she is with _____________ (children, pets, salespeople).

The only time I would suggest complimenting a woman you want to meet is if its someone you see on a regular basis, such as at school or at the gym. In that case, very confidently go up to her and say something like: I just want to thank you for making the world a better place with your beauty. After she says thank you, immediately walk away. Shell be intrigued that you didnt try to start a conversation with her or get her number. Whenever you see her after that, just smile and say hello. If she doesnt eventually start a conversation with you, you can start a short one with her, but wait until youve been saying hello to each other for at least several weeks.

Are compliments ever appropriate? Of course! After youve been dating for a while, it would be classless not to compliment her on her looks, especially if shes all dressed up. She probably spent a lot of time getting ready, and if you dont say anything, shell notice and she wont be too happy about it! Say something like: Youre amazingly beautiful. How did I get so lucky?