Friday, July 28, 2006

How to Choose Lingerie


In my business, I talk to a lot of gals and guys about lingerie. Ladies, if you heard what the guys say, you'd feel a lot better about your bodies. And, men, if you heard what the gals say, that last piece of lingerie you bought her.....well...she used it to decorate her shoelaces. Men want skimpy. Women want enhancement.

So how do you pick something sexy that both of you will like? The answer is simple. Be aware of the other's preferences. Men and women are different in what turns them on romantically.

Usually, when a man strolls into my store, he walks in, buys something, walks out. When he needs help he's specific in his needs. Miss, do you have a piece of string, size medium, in Jeep Cherokee white, for my wife? It's our anniversary.

Men want to see skin. Lots of it. and, the more skin they want to see, the more likely it is that it's going to be skin that's bumpy or birthmarky. Women don't want guys to see those parts. Most women have at least one of these parts. Sometimes, it's even part of a set. Like many women, the part that I'm trying to hide is my stomach. To ensure that my belly's seen by as few people as possible I've tattooed these instructions on it: to be viewed only by medical personnel who are removing something underneath..

When a woman buys lingerie, she is trying to accomplish at least one of three objectives: show something, hide something or pretend you've got something. The skinny girls usually don't want to hide anything; they want to show stuff, and pretend they've got stuff. The bigger girls want to show and hide stuff. And, if the stuff is supposed to be big and it's little, that's when you buy the stuff to pretend you've got it. And, if the stuff is big and that stuff looks good big, that's when you show it. And, if it's big and it should be small, cover it up. Guys, we work so hard to please you, that we not only cover up the big parts that don't look good big, we actually try to squish them in. That's why women go to the bathroom in pairs. To make sure no one explodes.

Women who have a C cup or larger need support when they're wearing lingerie. Applauding is not what I mean by support. Guys think architectural engineering. You know the way those cables hold the Golden Gate Bridge up? Bra straps work the same way, except you don't have all those cars going through.. And, underwires are like support beams. Without basic support, a structure will fall. Think about that Leaning Tower of Pisa. It looks like it will topple over any moment. That's the fate awaiting large chested women without the proper bra support. Years from now, they'll be leaning over from the weight of it all.

So, the bottom line is that women want to look beautiful for their sweeties. And, men think that a woman's bare skin is what looks sexiest on her. Keep that in mind, folks, next time you go shopping for lingerie.

Hey, wait a minute......my honey just bought me a gift. It's....what appears to be..... lingerie. Hmmmmmm. What the?! ...... It's a piece of string... with a neon feather. I guess it'll work as an anklet. For my sister's next birthday.

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